Is It My Attitude?

Dear Brian,
I am a 52 year old man. Seems that I have trouble meeting other men. I have met with a couple of men that I contacted over the net. We have met for lunch and/or a drink. They take my phone number and email address but they never call or email after meeting me for the first time. Am I that scary? Am I that bad looking? Does my attitude have anything to do with it? Am I too short, hair too long or too short? These are some of the questions that I always ask myself if I don't hear back from them. Some that I meet are younger and some are older. I don't go to bars to meet guys. Though I have been invited to join a group that goes to these places. I am not into bars. I am a very quiet shy person. So, what can I do? Am I going to have to live the rest of my life alone? How can I meet guys without using the internet? Without going to bars? How do I make a good impression that will make someone want to meet again? - Lonely202

Dear Lonely202,
Are you too short? Is your hair too long? I don't know, but these are questions that most people ask when they feel they've been rejected. But consider this: perhaps the men who take your phone number and email address but fail to contact you are asking themselves those questions, too, and haven't contacted you because they think they're too short, or too tall, or need a haircut. It could be they were really passing judgment on themselves. Yes, your attitude might have something to do with it. Don't assume there's a problem with you. Assume there's a problem with them. Better yet, assume it's simply a matter of incompatibility and that there's nothing wrong with either one of you except that you weren't meant to be together. A positive outlook attracts people. A negative attitude only attracts negativity. Is your attitude the problem? Possibly. Our attitudes are often self-defeating because we know our faults too well, and believe we're being arrogant and vain when considering our attributes, so make an effort to focus on what's right about yourself and others, and maintain a positive outlook.

As a quiet, shy person, it's understandable that you don't like bars, but bars attract plenty of men who would prefer to be someplace else. They go to bars because that's still the best place to meet men. There are fewer pretensions in bars. People can meet other people anywhere, but when they go to a bar, it's pretty much taken for granted that they're on the lookout for a partner unless it's obvious their partner is with them. Since you've been invited to join a group that goes to bars, why not consider accepting the offer? Being in a group may help you overcome your shyness a bit. There will be less pressure on you to be gregarious, and you can remain the quiet person you are while still being out and about so other men can see you and know you exist. Shyness can even be an asset. Everyone has a "type" they find attractive, and one "type" is the shy, quiet guy. The trouble is that shy people tend to make too much of an effort to conceal their shyness, and the easiest way to do that is with a defensive, standoffish pose. That isn't going to work when looking for love. Make eye contact, if only fleetingly, and smile. If a man approaches you, talk to him. If you see a man you want to meet and lack the courage to approach him, your group may help bolster your confidence and bring that man to your table. Meeting someone in a bar doesn't mean you'll have to spend your life in one. Once you meet a man you like who likes you, you may be able to say goodbye to the bar scene for good, as you explore new interests and build a life together. If you haven't given up on online dating, the same lessons apply. Put your best foot forward at all times.

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